Sunday, March 28, 2021

 


Spring Love

Things I am in love with




women’s faces / bodies / roses/ on buildings/ structures/ animated

With this note in my sketchbook artist’s book, I realized that my emotional health has recovered.

Shut down for many years, a lifetime of devastating abuse from narcissists claiming emotional intelligence but when asked for the evidence, they left blaming me, for asking. The love of my life for a few months.

Now accepting this disappointment, I focus on what I find satisfying, this way I am independent in my love of life, self-reliant. No longer full of shame embarrassment guilt depression rage anxiety(terror) hurt and jealousy. No longer capable of being manipulated with these things.

As Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting, It’s not your fault.

Overvalue Undervalue Dump Smear, I can’t make anyone do that. They say all the right things a lover says, but.they.lie.

How to protect me so I don’t live in a fortress of solitude?
Ask for what I want.
Because healthy people have a frank conversation with a willingness to compromise, the ones not so healthy, narcissists, borderlines, etc. leave sooner than later smearing as they go… They manipulate by withholding sex. Ask for sex. Appropriately. Doesn’t matter if they say yes, if it’s a chore, leave. Run.


Brenda wanted to be friends first, which is fine with me, I like friends, but not the type that cuts me off from everybody, tries to hold me by offering anal sex, then abusing me for my lack of wealth in the middle of the night when I am naked and most trusting and vulnerable.

Carol said she would kill herself if I went to my stag before our marriage. At that time I was so full of terror of being abandoned I went along with it. A year of marriage and still no sex. Finally, she left, blaming me, I was devastated and turned to my new friend cocaine to ease the pain.

Barbara also withheld sex as did Sue saying I pressured her into having sex when she was drunk and she practically raped me.

Fortunately, the penis knows the difference between coercion and happy compliance and it was never consummated. Sloppy drunks are a turn-off.


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